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Jul. 6th, 2008

 





I went to a pretty sweet party last night, a much needed night after my weekend prior. It was this great sound tent with some amazing mix artists. I love that culture, I pretty much love Toronto in the summer. I do need to force myself out every once and awhile.  It helps when you're with great company. :).

On the topic of dance, I'm taking salsa dancing lessons. Its going great, and I absolutely love it. Its a 4 week class on night club salsa dancing. The people in the class are actually pretty rad, and I love the music. I actually just love dance and music. I think its the sunshine and the endorphines.  Ps. Men who can dance are completely hot.

Toronto is filled with such eclectic people. I love watching people. I always wonder where they are coming from and where they are going.

Jun. 23rd, 2008

 



Goodevenin' Livejournal. I have been thinking a lot lately as Im sure you've assumed since my last post.
Lately I have felt that I have reached my limits with a lot of individuals in my life and with this new sense of confidence
and self awareness I feel as though many new doors have been opened for me.
This is officially my Threshold.
Threshold
of course meaning both an emotion  as well as a metaphor. As I have reached a mental and emotional limit ( my threshold), I have also reached an a new door or entrance (threshold).
I cannot name an instance comparable to the experience I am currently going through. I feel directed and I feel at peace with myself and my situation in life.  I feel like  an adult, something, I will admit I have avoided for ages.
There was something so infectious about living my life destructively and recklessly. The high was exhilarating,
living secretly gave me some sort of purpose and edge to my increasingly bland personality, and in the end I didnt wake up feeling safer about my situation in life. I didnt wake up renewed, or confident. The problem with living your life so imprudently was that it wasn't everlasting- it wasnt accountable or reliable.

Although I feel like a new age self help 7 keys to success spokesperson when I say this,I feel like my relationship with myself is really getting better. I dont know why we don't talk about that more in society. It really doesn't weaken your social image or intellectual abilities. First of all, I would like to stress that grasping a better relationship with yourself does not mean to be a selfish person in the ignorant and obnoxious sort of way, but a relationship with yourself where you are conscious with your mental, emotional, intellectual, physical and social self.  In regards to the people I love, I much rather hear how YOU are doing and what is going on with you in all aspects of yourself then some person you ran into from high school and how fat he/she has gotten. I love hearing about how everyone is doing, what their dreams are- regardless of how frequently those may change.
Im sure most of your friends would love to hear how you are doing and things that are actually important to you...

Its funny, going through months of selfless and neglectful living its so easy to forget your hopes and dreams and emotions when you just plain old dont talk about them. How easily they fade, how easy it is to settle for less then what you're worth and less then what you know you want in life. 


Bonjour

I wish I had something profound to report. Something fantastic, something INCREDIBLE. Something worthwhile.
However, I do not.

I have been incredibly dishonest about my feelings, about my existence- and I can't explain how its even possible to be dishonest to yourself.
But, I am pleased to report that I have been doing much better lately and have found prior interests and hobbies of interest again.
I can't believe I turned into one of THOSE people. The kind who actually doesn't have a personality or interests because they aren't motivated enough to have any.

I diagnosed myself with Indifferentia

Characteristics:
Typically found in females in long term relationships who devote more time into the other person then they do into themselves.

Im learning quadratic functions, in hopes of cleaning up the mess i've made in the years of being ill with indifferentia. 

Im never going to be "hot", or "cool", or really any generalization that youth tend to grasp onto for social acceptance. However, we knew this was true for me from the start.
I put the  2 in squared and im ok with that.
Im going to do my mathematical calculations, read about capitalism and play my guitar on my spare time.
Im learning Wonderwall by Oasis. Isnt that terribly cliche?

Oh yeah, and I prepare tax returns and do data entry- for employment.

I think I need to write again, to keep myself honest.

Mar. 29th, 2008

 Sitting in Ariels apartment right now. Drinking Pomegrante Green Tea, listening to Black Audio and talking tattoo designs.
Dont really know what to say, except that next year needs to be filled with more moments like these.

If I cant make the city work, it will not be a very good experience.
I need to make it work.

I need a new job. One that pays well.

ps. I saw this sexy guy on the subway who looked exactly like Hayden Christiansen. SOOOO hot.
He winked at me and I got really excited haha.

fuck, im so lame.

Mar. 5th, 2008

 We were sitting in your car, you in the front - me in the back. I was wearing my favourite hat, green eyeshadow that you couldn't see in the dark but a sparkle that you could.
You were anxious, excited full of impatience. I was distant, disappointed and more ready then ever to get started. Then it dawned on me, it had already started. My life had begun before my sober eyes and I began to smile. This was it. This IS it.
I closed my eyes and felt the starlight beating on my eyelids, like the flashes of images from an old reel of film. My motion picture had started, there was no sound. My friends were laughing with me, but I couldnt hear what we were laughing about. My mom and dad were hugging me and saying something to me, but only murmurs were being made. I was running along the lake shore singing a song at the top of my lungs, but no voice could be heard. We were back in that cold house of yours, sitting blissfully wrapped around each other in the warmth of the bath water- our only company is the occasional droplet of water from the faucet.
I slowly unsealed my eyes, as if I had been asleep for ages, and I saw you. You were smiling and you grazed my chin softly with your finger.
You said it was going to be ok, and deep inside, I knew it was true.
 Right now I am procrastinating my Mid-Term for tomorrow in my Critical Thinking class.
It angers me greatly that i've had to pay for half the classes I was enrolled in for this year. This one, might just anger me the most.
I am angered that I have to take a class to "teach me" how to critically think. I am angered by my textbook, that someone published a 550 page piece of shit that was in full colour and in no way liberally priced.

This is one of those classes where they make what should be a normal skill of a University student, complicate the fuck out of it, and then throw a test at you where it makes you doubt your own ability to critically think; should you adopt the "knowledge" given to you from your colour printed textbook, or should you use the skills you used to get you into this institution in the first place.
What does this even mean?

(Modus Ponens)
If P then q.
P
Therefore, q.

Excuse me? How about good ole fashion deductive and inductive reasoning; or something our parents used to call common sense?
Fuck the world.

First Year University has filled me with anger. Yes, I have learned a great deal, but it really just has reaffirmed why I hate educational facilities, people with PhDs, and the TTC.

Yes, it is almost done, and I couldnt be more thankful for it.

Hopefully it gets better, because I WILL NOT do this for another 3 years. Unless I do school somewhere else that might be a bit more interesting.
Thanks.
Goodnight.

Ps. History, English and Politics was amazing this year. Why do I have to take stupid shit like "critical thinking and social science"?
So boring.

PPS. If I hear ONE MORE STUPID STUDENT introduce themselves in the following way:
" umm, yeah..my FIANCE was like.."
"Me and my HUSBAND"
"I've been married, so like, I know.."
"Being engaged.."

I will actually blow up the sacrament of marriage because people are so stupid about it.

Feb. 20th, 2008

 I often imagine myself on the top of a building. I have that raw feeling in my throat, as if I had been screaming to hard, crying to much, but no such action had taken place. My toes tickle with nervousness and the machinery  on the roof has a bumble bee pur to accompany the howel of the metropolis stormy gust from behind my hair. My vision blurs on purpose so I can watch the city lights dance and merge with one another; from up here, in clear sight, the light looks so lonely. A clustered kind of lonely; there is no difference between the lights. They are all there, like the 9-5ers, and there is no difference. I sit there, and wonder, is that how we will ever connect? By force, by purpose? I sit up here and wonder, will we ever meet? For hours I wonder if I will ever be asked to dance, like those city lights on the cool blurry evening nights.

Dec. 1st, 2007

Joshua and I broke up.

and it is now that I decide to live my life for the lord. I know now that it is not for Joshua, but for myself.
I never thought in a million years I would.
But it brings me a peace I haven't felt in years.
It isnt going to change who I am. I am who I am.
I just want to live the best life that I can. I want peace. 

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