To whom it may concern,

    Around mid day yesterday I was in the lineup of the bakery garden getting a medium brew and an omlette when I was engaged in conversation with an elderly couple. He was a writer- she was a bridal gown designer. The invited me to sit down with them to have lunch and I did. It had been so long since I have had such an unrestricted conversation about life, death and our purpose here on Earth. As an elderly gentlemen I thoroughly enjoyed his extraordinary perspective on reincarnation and the transfer of life through entity. His wife was mdoest and sweetly smiled and agreed with her husband. Although I completely disagreed with his theories, I did enjoy his passion and animation on the topic- something I often seek in everyone I meet. Trisha, his wife, told me a little bit about the history of her bridal company and about her dresses she designed that are now in the Royal Ontario Museum. We finished our lunches and parted ways, but I was left with a feeling of social liberation and new perspective. I feel like I have had to go through all this to remember that maybe I really am a Journalist deep down inside and I need to get back to what matters. I need to investigate and write about what actually matters. 

  A week or so ago I was approached by a woman who is currently dying of terminal cancer.  She had contacted me through friends and asked that I call her to set up a time to meet.  I walked to her apartment two weeks ago and it was there we had met for the first time. Her nurse answered the door and I walked around her apartment while she got ready for lunch. She had beautiful pictures of her life and family. Her apartment was outfitted with classic patterned couches and pastel sheers. It was comfortably warm, and the wood flooring had blurred and softened with overuse and sun exposure. She finally came into the living room and we sat down, shook hands and smile at one another. She is quite old and looks weak from the all of the cancer treatment she had been put though.  She began to tell me about her life and why she had contacted to speak to me. It was a very thorough and emotional four hours that had ended with her appointment for radiation. She got up, gave me a hug, said a prayer and thanked me profusely for coming to speak with her.

A week later I got a call saying her cancer took a turn for the worse and she was in Emergency. I rushed to sunnybrook hospital to spend some time with her as I was told her time left with us was limited. I looked at her face as she lay on the gurney, her face was vacant of life and joy and she was not the woman I had talked to a week prior. She was in pain and I couldnt help but wonder if I was the last person she would ever share her story with. What am I to do with that?

....I have class now and I will finish the story afterwards.

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today:

1. woke up


2. Got on the subway


3.Went to work


4. DIED


5. DIED 


6. DIED


7. Had a large glass of water


8. DIED


9. In need of assistance.


To donate to my cause, please leave a message and I will send you the mailing address and corresponding p.o box number <3

on a serious note, Im friggen sick. Like not midly "i'll get better in like 24 hrs sick, but like massively sick, like.... pandemic sick...like...MUTATED FLU STRAIN sick.

A song from somewhere below
Deadly and slow begins
Both sickly and sweet
Now picking up speed
Ushering in the world's end
And the ghost of Descartes screams again in the dark
"Oh how could I have been so wrong?"
But above the screams still the sirens sing their song

Moving mountains aint no thing for me, I've faith enough to cast them to the sea; but i dont know the first thing about love.

Sleepy Time.
 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I wish I had something profound to report. Something fantastic, something INCREDIBLE. Something worthwhile.
However, I do not.

I have been incredibly dishonest about my feelings, about my existence- and I can't explain how its even possible to be dishonest to yourself.
But, I am pleased to report that I have been doing much better lately and have found prior interests and hobbies of interest again.
I can't believe I turned into one of THOSE people. The kind who actually doesn't have a personality or interests because they aren't motivated enough to have any.

I diagnosed myself with Indifferentia

Characteristics:
Typically found in females in long term relationships who devote more time into the other person then they do into themselves.

Im learning quadratic functions, in hopes of cleaning up the mess i've made in the years of being ill with indifferentia. 

Im never going to be "hot", or "cool", or really any generalization that youth tend to grasp onto for social acceptance. However, we knew this was true for me from the start.
I put the  2 in squared and im ok with that.
Im going to do my mathematical calculations, read about capitalism and play my guitar on my spare time.
Im learning Wonderwall by Oasis. Isnt that terribly cliche?

Oh yeah, and I prepare tax returns and do data entry- for employment.

I think I need to write again, to keep myself honest.

I love Palm Tree's. <3

Joshua and I broke up.

and it is now that I decide to live my life for the lord. I know now that it is not for Joshua, but for myself.
I never thought in a million years I would.
But it brings me a peace I haven't felt in years.
It isnt going to change who I am. I am who I am.
I just want to live the best life that I can. I want peace.